Razors and the Fonz

For those of you who aren’t already in the know like me, (early 20’s, naive, want to be grown men but can’t because it’s too hard and confusing, so instead cry silently facing the wall when Lost season 4 episode 7 won’t download) let it be known that the single-surface whatever electric shavers are strictly for the birds. This might seem to be a setup for a humorful rant, but it isn’t…at all.This is the Braun freecontrol electric shaver:

It costs 35 dollars.The part that actually cuts hairs, if you can’t see in the picture, is made out of

Tinfoil

So when the tinfoil shaving mechanism is torn open by say…an ant…or a blown kiss, one needs the replacement shaving head

It costs 39 dollars.In order to do the same damage to my soul, I’d have to do my own homemade sex change on myself using these:

And once I was fully operational, give myself five abortions in a row.And if that isn’t funny, you should know that the father would be this man:

asl

This magnificently ugly man is of course Will Oldham, who recorded his best songs as Bonnie “Prince” Billy. His delicate but impassioned vocal delivery and timeless lyricism are several degrees prettier than his grotesque skull and face. He is one of the great (popularly) overlooked songwriters of our time. This is why it must gladden the hearts of the pitchforkmedia writers to see him relegated to indie-comic-youtube-project Farnsworth Bentley status, dancing in goofy clothes behind Zach Galifianakis in his parody of “Can’t Tell Me Nothing.”What do I mean? Well you know who Fonzworth is.

Ever seen an Outkast video? Mkay, well then act like you know. Oldham is like Farnsworth in that he dances in the background in stupid clothes. Will, you wrote “I See a Darkness,” for shit’s sake. Maybe it’s over my head, maybe you are mortifying your worldly pride in order to become more like an immortal wise man. But I still don’t know.And yeah, me referring to Bentley as “Fonzworth” wasn’t a joke, he legally changed his fucking name. What the fuck? Dude, do not change the name your poor mom gave you, especially not to the patronizing 70s-sitcom-reference nickname your rapper friends gave you….even if your original name makes you sound like one of Rosie O’Donnell’s kids. What kind of black man wants to be like the Fonz anyway? This name change qualifies as the second-dumbest thing to involve a former Happy Days cast member. I might write later about the first – and prepare to be scorched raw.

Daniel Gay Lewis

The virtuoso Daniel Day Lewis imbues the fictional personage of Bill the Butcher with the kind of sinister charisma that shames the combined power of the next twenty A-list villain performances. His character is defined by twisted honor, malevolent eccentricity and awesome top-hats. He’s got a fake eye with a blue Pac-Man on it. He more or less can’t be beat. I really, really hate to use pop culture press nicknames, but “D-Day” is good enough to be an exception.

He earned his win for There Will Be Blood with slack to spare. His character was essentially the same as in Gangs of New York, albeit less violent and without the same contradictory nature. All of that is immaterial, of course, because he proved again that his characters roar like real-life lions.